“Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved; for you are my praise.” — Jeremiah 17:14

NARRATION

I got a great opportunity to start the Inner Healing process in the ISEED program.

START

Me: “Hi R! Thank you for helping me to do the Inner Healing.”

R: “You are very welcome. Before we start, are there any concerns you want to talk to me?”

Me: “Ummm……..” (I’m struggling, “should I tell him or not?”)

R: “OK. You do not need to pursue some special things like I did with other people in classes. Just let the Holy Spirit lead you.” (Smiles)

Me: “That was what I want to say. I feel there is a big block between me and God. I was really worried that I may not be able to connect or see Jesus in this process like others.”

R: “No worries.” ( He continues to smiles. I feel no worries. )

Me: “Les’s do it.” (Confidence)

R: “So, what memories you could recall right now?”

Me: “I can’t really recall a full memory. But, I have some memory pieces.”(I am thinking hard and start to sweat. My eyes are closed……..)

R: “It is ok. You could try to find the clearest one.”

I really want to recall some memories like how my dad disrespects me. But, I cannot.

Me: “There…..there is a one I can recall the most part. I punched my dad that night.” (I feel ashame.)

R: “OK OK. Could you tell me what happened?”

After a deep breath,

Me: “When we were in the living room, my dad told me I was useless and I was too stupid to do anything. He also told me that I was the shame of my family. I was very angry. I could not stand him to disrespect me like this again. When he walked to his working room, I followed him. Then, I punched him. I believed it was three times right on his face.”

R: “So, what happened to your dad after this?”

Me: “I broke his glasses. My dad was shocked. He did and said nothing. I was shocked too. My mom asked me to kneel in front of my dad and apologize to him. I did not do it. I just said sorry. Because I won. I finally fight back.” (However, my eyes are full of tears now.)

R: “What do you think if Jesus is there, please try to invite Jesus in that memory.”

This is tough. I do not know how to invite Jesus in my memory. I am panic. I choose to be silent and try to think.

R: “Take your time. Remember, let the Holy Spirit lead you.” (He senes it) “What did you feel at that time?”

Me: “Sad. Successful. Sad. No, I felt confident. Because I finally fought back. I feel not angry with my dad. I can’t see Jesus there neither. Why?”

R is praying for me. R: “It’s ok.

There might be something else that causes your anger. Try to find that.”

Suddenly, my mom comes into that memory. My heart starts to be painful. I am confused.

Me: “My mom is in this memory. Why my mom?” I feel no anger with my dad, instead,  more and more memories about my mom are coming into my mind now. All the disrespect she got, all the choices she made. “I thought I was smarter than her. I was so angry about the choices she made.” R continues to be praying.

Me: “I am so sorry, mom! Dear God, please forgive me for what I’ve done and thought about you. Please, Lord, please forgive my arrogance, my pride.” (Tears are dropping from my eyes)

Me: “I see a hand just coming from the thick block between me and God. The block is fading.” R: “Praise the Lord!”

Me: “I can see the hand clearer and clearer. It is with white sleeve, like the one from Jesus’ white robe. Its Jesus’ hand! He is holding my hand right now! I raise my head. I see love through His eyes!!! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for not giving me up! Thank you for your forgiveness! Thank you for your unconditional love! Thank you for your grace!” R: “Amen!”

I open my eyes. I look at R without saying anything. I feel incredibly peaceful.   God clean our connection! Praise the Lord! God tell me where is my anger from! Praise the Lord!

END