“Have you ever missed someone so much that it made you cry?”

“Yes…Jesus… I often think of him and it often brings me in tears..”

The beginning of the month was really tough for my body. My schedule messed up so much because of the staying home order. And whenever I don’t rest well, I tend to get headaches. Moreover, I had a terrible cramp which made me wanna vomit. It was miserable that few days. I laid in bed, unable to move because of the pain in my lower abdomen. Missing Jesus was my only comfort. I knew that this body and this life would die, and when he came back to life there would be no more pain.

Physical weakness also affects the state of mind and spirit.During those days of extreme nervous breakdown, my stress level was growing. “The root of rejection” took the opportunity to open branches and leaves,  crazily growing inside me. I dreamed about all my friends abandoned me, all my job applications got rejected, people was laughing what I am doing… I was so sad, so I became so angry with those who “abandoned” me …and finally, I became tired of myself…

The physical pain affected my spirit and soul, and that bring me to my own end…At the same time, I had a bad relationship with my close friends… I no longer had any strength to face anything, missing Jesus was my only comfort…

I found a friend in the bible who had a similar experience to mine, but suffered a thousand times more than mine. He speaks for me and pours out the bitter water I cannot pour out.

“My relatives have gone away; my closest friends have forgotten me……Even the little boys scorn me; when I appear, they ridicule me. All my intimate friends detest me; those I love have turned against me. I am nothing but skin and bones;I have escaped only by the skin of my teeth.” —Job 19:14-20

In contrast to the fear caused by the “root of rejection,” Job actually experienced rejection and disgust. His flesh was experiencing real suffering, almost death. But he could also say: “I know that my redeemer lives,  and that in the end he will stand on the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God”

For God is his only comfort and his only hope.Even if the flesh were destroyed, he had one hope, that he might see God. Suffering deepened his feelings for God. The more he felt despair and bitterness on earth, the more he longed for God.

It was in great pain and deep despair that job saw God with his own eyes. “My ears had heard of you,  but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”(Job 42:5-6)

Who is more miserable than Job today? Whose despair was greater than Job’s? If he can see God with his own eyes, he can wait for his answer, how about for us?

I remember praying every time I was weak enough to doubt my faith: “Lord almighty, if you are as faithful and good and ready to forgive and bless as you say, let me see you. I don’t want any good. I just want to know that you exist and you love me.”

I was so thankful that after each prayer I experienced, something would always come up and bring me to a point  “God, this is really you. If it wasn’t for you, this would never have happened.”

The bible says, knock, and open; seek, and find. It’s true, it’s worth experiencing. For all who turn the arrow of their search to Jesus will never be lost. 

“And I really want to see him!”