For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  —Revelation 7:17

The start of  2020 gave me a sense of “acceleration”. It’s feeling like waves of disasters happen all over the world that all most bombed the Earth. When it comes to disaster, the most intuitive feeling comes to me is destruction. But at the same time, I think that also means reestablishment. So I think, 2020, this year would be a brand new start, which would come in a way beyond our understanding.

I always believe that it is very important to look forward, things happened in the past didn’t matter that much anymore. But, is that a healthy way to see it? I start to think hard on this. Just as the israelites went through the red sea, they had to move forward or be overtook. God lead the way ahead, he split the sea, but the real difficulty was the pursuing forces, which came after them. So, How should we view our past? It is truly a part of our life. It shapes who I am today. Deny it? That just sounds like deny who I am. Accept it? That sounds like accept those absurdity.

When I deal with my memories, I don’t want to have any gray areas. Anything that contribute to my future, I wanna keep it; anything that doesn’t, I wanna throw it away. It looks pretty decisive and severe. Unconsciously, I have so many judgements towards myself… I see my mistake as stupid, pain, shame…then…I overlook God’s grace for me!

Our bible study group was studying Joseph’s life lately. When I was preparing for the study for this week, which was about Pharaoh asked Joseph to interpret dreams and then Joseph got to be in charge of Egypt. I was so encouraged by this story.  It seemed to tell me that no matter it is ups or downs, remember to look at the lows and peaks God has taken you through and the growth he has truly put down in your life. It took Joseph 30 years to be at that point.

One night I was chatting with my roommate, complaining so much about my job—all the cells in my body are refusing this job! She patiently listen and ask,  “How about looking at all these from”God’s work” perspective?” I froze for a second then don’t know why my heart was filled with gratitude that almost brings tears to my eyes. Looking back, God was always protecting me through the job, and most importantly, he provided this job when I need it the most. He even used it as a part of my healing journey!

I found that everything that I grew up with was not in vain, because of the wound, God shows us his healing power; because of all the mistakes we made, we got to experience God’s forgiveness…. As I keep seeing how broken I really am, I keep seeing how thoroughly God has redeemed me.

It does not occur to man to experience God himself until the circumstances lead us to him, until the earthly lives become more and more drawn to Christ and in unity with him…Gradually, I started to understand, “apart from you I have no good thing”. And I also start to understand, for memory, there is not just two options, “keep it” or “throw it away”. There is a better alternative, is to find evidence of God’s grace in the memories.

When I dealt with the memories that I don’t wanna have, I didn’t see hurt that much any more, instead, I see God is with me in the memory. Circumstances destroy me, but he builds me. Where I experience the pain of death, he gives me the chance of rebirth.

I usually said to myself, ” You are as stupid as you deserve.”

But today, I wanna said to myself, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves you no matter what. There is no need to fear defeat. He is sufficient. Look, you’ve come so far. “